Were busy!

OH MY PAPER WORK!
I can not believe the amount of paper work it requires to get us a baby!
It's a good thing its done on the internet now because I cannot imagine handwriting it all out.
We have filled out questionnaires about ourselves that include:
hobbies, work, habits, flaws, strengths, intimacy,
you name it we had to answer it.
We have had to recall how we were raised and disciplined.
We have to give information about our siblings hair color, eye color and build.
It asks questions about our goals and dreams.
Its asks everything!!
And the requirements...oh my!
We are buying fire extinguishers for the house and cars, first aid kits,
getting finger printed, getting foster care licensed,
the whole works.
We are working on a birth parent letter.
What on earth do you say?
How can you possibly explain who you are in one letter and not sound like a salesperson?
Were busy around here.
But its all for a sweet sweet baby.

First Meeting

Well, we did it!
We had an appointment with our social/case worker!
We stepped in her office and I just started to giggle.
We sat on a couch with big pillows, Kleenex to my left, trash can on my right.
I have had allergies for the last month and so I was sitting on a couch,
wiping my eyes and nose, hugging a pillow.
It totally looked like we were in marriage counseling.
So funny.
The pillows ended up on the floor.
They took up too much room.
But I'll tell you what, that couch is magical,
you just OPEN UP with no hesitation.
Weird.
BUT FUNNY!

After we got situated, we just talked.
It was so comfortable and easy.
We R E A L L Y like her.
She asked interesting questions,
that has resulted in more THINKING.
She gave really good advice and counsel.
We both were really impressed with her.
I walked out of our first meeting with my head held a lot higher than when we first walked in.
With a big ol' stack of application papers in hand
we left with new things to consider
and a deposit receipt for 1000.00!
A receipt means were serious folks.

It was a good day.

shouting it from the tree tops

Romney was throwing the frisbee to Magnus when the wind decided to take it.
I couldnt find that darn frisbee when I wanted to play with the dog.

Romeny told me to look up in the tree...
I told Romney that I did look, but I didn't see it.
"look higher" he told me.
He wasn't kidding,
it was at the tippy top, hanging on one branch.

So there I was just staring at a frisbee.

Litteraly starting at this frisbee for months;
just thinking.

A little history on this frisbee:
Romney and I decided to attend an adoption class back in September to get educated.
yeah you read it right, an adoption class.
I didn't want to be there, I covered my face, and didn't say a word.
We were late...fancy that
AND DON'T YOU WORRY,
we won a door prize for being the last couple to arrive.
"come on up and get your frisbee!!"
You have got to be kidding me!
This was not happening.
We even got applauded.

I threw that frisbee in the trunk right when we left.
A month later we got Magnus.
So we dug out the
"Adoption: it's about love" frisbee and started to play.
Magnus only got to play with it for a couple of days before the wind did her thing.

I told my mom when I was ready to talk about adoption I would shout it from the roof tops.
The tree tops ended up doing the shouting.
That frisbee has been yelling at me to just think about it.
For months.

So while Magnus has been running around the backyard,
I have been sitting on my porch staring up in a tree
just thinking.
Different thoughts about adoption have gone through my mind.
Both the good and the bad.
But, Romney and I have been able to sort through these pros and cons.

After many months of thinking, that red ring finally blew out of the tree.
And naturally it went over the fence.
We figured we'd just tell our neighbor we adopted Magnus...
we weren't ready to explain that one.

All because of a door prize my heart has softened over time.
A new journey is beginning here at our house.
Adoption papers will be starting next week.
I guess we are ready for new adventures.
Am I 100% ready?
no.
But it's time and I have faith.

Stay tuned for the process of adoption....
We meet with our Social worker next week.
that may be blogging worthy.

un-noticed progress

(sunset in Oslo, Norway)

Let me rewind: A few weeks ago a friend of mine called and said she found a Homeopathic doctor that is getting people pregnant who have been dealing with infertility for years. I told her it was cool but I wasn't really interested. I explained that I have moved forward from that NEED to be pregnant.

Now let me fast forward: A couple of nights ago I went out shopping with a different friend and she asked me how things were going. As we talked about "things", I told her about my friend who called regarding the homeopathic doctor.
She said "ERIN, THAT IS HUGE!"
As I shrugged my shoulders with a little smile, I realized that I have be making progress; un-noticed progress.
I hadn't even realized that I had zero desire to see the Homeopathic doctor.
Look at that! My little heart has been healing.
Oh how I love tender mercies from my Heavenly Father.
I love that my Savior has taken over my sorrows and I don't have to do it all alone.
I love that time is doing its job.
I love that peace is back into my life.
I love that I have friends who are so supportive during this silly time in my life.

And with that realization we went into the store,
where I spoiled myself to 3 pairs of shoes, 2 sweaters and 1 shirt.
It was a sweet victory.

Motherhood rocks.....

Over the last few months I have been "just being".
Oh how I have loved it.
Oh how I have needed it.
Oh how I will continue on with it.
It has been four months of freedom.
Freedom from bruises, freedom from pressure, freedom from stress.
It really has been liberating.
I can breathe again.
Today, on this fine Christmas Eve I went to the mail box to find this:
MOTHERHOOD ROCKS on an envelop.
Now I really didn't think much of this promotional piece of mail
UNTIL my door bell rang....

And there on my doormat was a package addressed to ME; Erin
with yet another reminder that
MOTHERHOOD ROCKS.

What the heck?
Was there a stork about to show up with a
Christmas Miracle?
Needless to say Similac threw a wrench in my "just being" state.
Stupid Similac.

Just Be...

I believe in T I M E.
Time heals.
Time allows comfort. Time allows softening. Time allows tears to lessen.
Time allows new experiences. Time allows new perspectives.
Time is good.

I received an inspired phone call the other day. I know it was inspired!
Someone who is very special to me, someone who I admire probably more than anyone I know, called me.
It was my bishop from college.
The minute I heard his voice, I broke down in tears.
He listened. He is good at that.

He simply said:
"go on another vacation."
W H A T ??
Thats it? Travel? Thats my answer?
He went on to tell me that it is time for Romney and I to stop, and be a little selfish.
He pointed out how frantic I sounded and insistent I sounded for answers.
"you're not ready" he told me.
Our conversation was sweet and it continued for over an hour before it ended.

I have been dwelling on that phone call for a couple of days.

I have been frantic!
I am frantically looking for answers.
I frantically cry, begging to know what I am supposed to do.
I frantically ask why is this happening.
I just want to know...tell me.
And truth be told I'm not listening for any answers.
I can ask all day but,
my heart isn't ready to hear what is next.
My mind can't comprehend what's next either.

So it is time to walk away and JUST BE.
What does JUST BE entail?
I have no clue!
But I know it doesn't entail injections.
I know it doesn't entail "baby".
I know it doesn't entail asking WHY.

I guess to JUST BE allows time, and I believe in time.
It heals.

Sinking In

This last week has been interesting.
My thoughts have been going going going.
And I'm not really sure what I am thinking half the time. My scattered thoughts go over surrogacy and adoption. These are heavy topics that I just wasn't expecting to ponder on so soon. I know decisions do not need to be made right now and they wont be made right now. Things are still sinking in.

I have so many different scenarios going through my mind constantly. Wondering what is best for us at this point. Wondering if we just need to take a break from it all for a while. Wondering if there is a baby who needs us right now. Wondering if we are supposed to be a childless couple. Wondering about the embryos in the freezer. Lots of thinking and lots of tears.

In my search for answers I'm going to EAT PRAY LOVE. (I am reading the book now)
We have gone out to EAT every night since. Accompanied by the movies.
We will continue to PRAY...a lot for peace, and guidance.
and, well, LOVE .

I'm on mission.